7 years ago
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Restless Mind
Restless mind. I am experiencing a restless mind right now and my ruffled pillow hurts my neck so I am constantly reminded of my craze filled dreams from the night before. My brooding on this topic is driving me insane and my only outlet to write it out. I hate this but here is goes.
Loss is the common theme in my life and it has brought with it the overwhelming joy of freedom and further progress towards the goal of self-actualizing. It has also given me the opportunity to make some amazing friends with the purpose of teaching me something great about myself. My loss is centered on the recent breakup of a 4 year relationship. It’s actually a 9 year relationship with 6 of those years being of the romantic nature. We broke up August 9th, 2008. I want to say I will never forget the date but in actuality I can never seem to remember without looking it up on a calendar. Despite my great efforts to assure myself the loss of the breakup would be minimal as I intended on maintaining the friendship, my efforts were ultimately futile. Once the dissolution of the romantic relationship began, my partner pulled away from me and felt it best to stay clear of me. I can say I have never felt the greatness of a loss as I have felt with this experience. Once the numbness and denial went way, my body and mind began to seem almost foreign to me. I started to feel what can only be described as despair. Even though no one had died, the loss of closeness and the uncertainty of the future subsided to bitterness and fear. I had no idea this would happen and that I would feel so sad and empty. I must admit I am glad to be naive in the beginning as it would have only prolonged the inevitable. As the weeks began to pass, my heart began to ache in so many different ways. A part of me only want to get better so I began to question my initial, well thought out reasoning for the break up. At times my mind pushed me to revive the relationship because in the short term, I would feel so much better. I grasped at every distraction in my path. I relished any opportunity to connect with someone just to ease the pain I felt everyday. As suspected, each distraction caused more disruption and slowly disappeared only to leave the open wound of my deferred dreams and sad heart. The anger and bitterness began to build as most occasions those emotions were so much easier to bear for only a short time. Those emotions gave way to my restless mind. My mind was so full of despairing thoughts of a life of loneliness and fears of empty, sad spaces in my heart. Each day I went through a plethora of emotions leaving me deflated and longing to sleep off the day. I found with each passing day my mind would become quickly over-whelmed with the fluctuating emotions and the anxiety and restlessness which would ensue. I longed for six months to be here to be able to look back at what had transpired and what I would not have to feel. Anxiety began to push to the forefront of my mind. Self-soothing was sure to follow and with it all the familiarity and emptiness of the past. The pleasure-reward center in my brain went into default mode and my brain became starved for endorphins to nourish the hardship I was experiencing. I found myself more tearful and preoccupied with the loss and grief and my attentions became focused on the object I had lost and I saw myself as more of a victim. This dysfunctional thinking only served to worsen my depression and despair and hope became a darkness which promised vengeance. The hope and security I possessed prior to the breakup was long forgotten and I became consumed in my grief and victimization.
Loss is the common theme in my life and it has brought with it the overwhelming joy of freedom and further progress towards the goal of self-actualizing. It has also given me the opportunity to make some amazing friends with the purpose of teaching me something great about myself. My loss is centered on the recent breakup of a 4 year relationship. It’s actually a 9 year relationship with 6 of those years being of the romantic nature. We broke up August 9th, 2008. I want to say I will never forget the date but in actuality I can never seem to remember without looking it up on a calendar. Despite my great efforts to assure myself the loss of the breakup would be minimal as I intended on maintaining the friendship, my efforts were ultimately futile. Once the dissolution of the romantic relationship began, my partner pulled away from me and felt it best to stay clear of me. I can say I have never felt the greatness of a loss as I have felt with this experience. Once the numbness and denial went way, my body and mind began to seem almost foreign to me. I started to feel what can only be described as despair. Even though no one had died, the loss of closeness and the uncertainty of the future subsided to bitterness and fear. I had no idea this would happen and that I would feel so sad and empty. I must admit I am glad to be naive in the beginning as it would have only prolonged the inevitable. As the weeks began to pass, my heart began to ache in so many different ways. A part of me only want to get better so I began to question my initial, well thought out reasoning for the break up. At times my mind pushed me to revive the relationship because in the short term, I would feel so much better. I grasped at every distraction in my path. I relished any opportunity to connect with someone just to ease the pain I felt everyday. As suspected, each distraction caused more disruption and slowly disappeared only to leave the open wound of my deferred dreams and sad heart. The anger and bitterness began to build as most occasions those emotions were so much easier to bear for only a short time. Those emotions gave way to my restless mind. My mind was so full of despairing thoughts of a life of loneliness and fears of empty, sad spaces in my heart. Each day I went through a plethora of emotions leaving me deflated and longing to sleep off the day. I found with each passing day my mind would become quickly over-whelmed with the fluctuating emotions and the anxiety and restlessness which would ensue. I longed for six months to be here to be able to look back at what had transpired and what I would not have to feel. Anxiety began to push to the forefront of my mind. Self-soothing was sure to follow and with it all the familiarity and emptiness of the past. The pleasure-reward center in my brain went into default mode and my brain became starved for endorphins to nourish the hardship I was experiencing. I found myself more tearful and preoccupied with the loss and grief and my attentions became focused on the object I had lost and I saw myself as more of a victim. This dysfunctional thinking only served to worsen my depression and despair and hope became a darkness which promised vengeance. The hope and security I possessed prior to the breakup was long forgotten and I became consumed in my grief and victimization.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
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