Today

My feet feel so heavy, as if something is in my shoe. Maybe someone put something in the sole of them I am unable to see. My legs are moving but I am not quite sure how they know where to go as I feel so preoccupied with my thoughts. My eyes are heavy, but they won’t close even though I think if I close them, everything will settle and maybe disappear. I can’t help but wonder how I got here. I am not sure of the actual events leading to today but I can recall, with effort, the reasoning behind why I am at this place in my life. It is as if I have lost so much, but nothing literally is gone. If I try to think of what I should do next, as in the next week or month, my mind begins to shut down on me. I can only think of the next second, minute, and hour. I feel incredibly quiet. My mind is very quiet and constantly searching for the next distraction to take me mentally somewhere else. Somewhere I can laugh and love and move forward and just....go.

How did I get here? Where do I go next?
I can not think of those things right now as I must move forward in this body that does not feel like it belongs to me.

A Dream Deferred
by Langston Hughes
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore-- And then run? Does it stink like rotten meat? Or crust and sugar over-- like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?

This poem goes through my mind as I try to maneuver through this strange experience. I hold on tightly to those around me who bring me comfort. Those old familiar faces and those gentle spirits who come and go with their romantic notions of hope and love. If not for these people and my deep faith in the greater all-knowing spirits of the universe I would undoubtedly sink. To find a small, separate peace is the way I will go. Today is not forever, but today I will continue to mind my tender heart, and look at the beautiful blue sky and possibilities of my future existence.