"We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit on a hot stove lid again and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore"- Mark Twain

"The mode in which the inevitable comes to pass is through effort"
-Oliver Wendell Holmes

Den of furlough

Restless Mind

Restless mind. I am experiencing a restless mind right now and my ruffled pillow hurts my neck so I am constantly reminded of my craze filled dreams from the night before. My brooding on this topic is driving me insane and my only outlet to write it out. I hate this but here is goes.
Loss is the common theme in my life and it has brought with it the overwhelming joy of freedom and further progress towards the goal of self-actualizing. It has also given me the opportunity to make some amazing friends with the purpose of teaching me something great about myself. My loss is centered on the recent breakup of a 4 year relationship. It’s actually a 9 year relationship with 6 of those years being of the romantic nature. We broke up August 9th, 2008. I want to say I will never forget the date but in actuality I can never seem to remember without looking it up on a calendar. Despite my great efforts to assure myself the loss of the breakup would be minimal as I intended on maintaining the friendship, my efforts were ultimately futile. Once the dissolution of the romantic relationship began, my partner pulled away from me and felt it best to stay clear of me. I can say I have never felt the greatness of a loss as I have felt with this experience. Once the numbness and denial went way, my body and mind began to seem almost foreign to me. I started to feel what can only be described as despair. Even though no one had died, the loss of closeness and the uncertainty of the future subsided to bitterness and fear. I had no idea this would happen and that I would feel so sad and empty. I must admit I am glad to be naive in the beginning as it would have only prolonged the inevitable. As the weeks began to pass, my heart began to ache in so many different ways. A part of me only want to get better so I began to question my initial, well thought out reasoning for the break up. At times my mind pushed me to revive the relationship because in the short term, I would feel so much better. I grasped at every distraction in my path. I relished any opportunity to connect with someone just to ease the pain I felt everyday. As suspected, each distraction caused more disruption and slowly disappeared only to leave the open wound of my deferred dreams and sad heart. The anger and bitterness began to build as most occasions those emotions were so much easier to bear for only a short time. Those emotions gave way to my restless mind. My mind was so full of despairing thoughts of a life of loneliness and fears of empty, sad spaces in my heart. Each day I went through a plethora of emotions leaving me deflated and longing to sleep off the day. I found with each passing day my mind would become quickly over-whelmed with the fluctuating emotions and the anxiety and restlessness which would ensue. I longed for six months to be here to be able to look back at what had transpired and what I would not have to feel. Anxiety began to push to the forefront of my mind. Self-soothing was sure to follow and with it all the familiarity and emptiness of the past. The pleasure-reward center in my brain went into default mode and my brain became starved for endorphins to nourish the hardship I was experiencing. I found myself more tearful and preoccupied with the loss and grief and my attentions became focused on the object I had lost and I saw myself as more of a victim. This dysfunctional thinking only served to worsen my depression and despair and hope became a darkness which promised vengeance. The hope and security I possessed prior to the breakup was long forgotten and I became consumed in my grief and victimization.

Rest & Motion

Just a movie

Monday night Heather came by to inquire if I would like to watch Into the Wild. I could feel my anxiety slightly increase at the thought as I have avoided watching this movie for some time. I read the book, or at least all but the last 40 pages (he dies, what else did I need to know?). I actually stopped reading the book because I found the main character’s life so compelling yet disturbing. So I watched the movie and all of the thoughts I had while reading the book resurfaced. I knew this movie or the story would resonate in my mind and I would be compelled to write about it in a blog.

Christopher McCandless story was originally written by John Krakauer as an article which appeared in the magazine Outside. Krakauer went on to expand his article which became the 1996 best selling non-fiction, Into the Wild, which chronicles the 2 years Christopher McCandless spent “tramping” with the ultimate goal of going to the Alaskan wilderness. Christopher’s journey is mostly accounted for by brief encounters with people he met along the way, and some clues he left behind in brief journaling and lists discovered in the bus where he died. Both the movie and book are beautifully put together and both seem interested in telling the story of an idealistic and thoughtful man. I can’t help but to wonder what actually went through this man’s mind, his psyche to compel him to live the life he did. I see something very different in his presentation and story than the many people I have discussed his story. It feels like a sad story and although I can see the romantic component of wanting to turn over all your worldly goods in an effort to be closer to nature, I can’t help but take a more holistic view of this man’s life.

Specifically, Christopher cut his ties not only to the things he “owned” but also his close knit ties to friends and family. This seems very severe especially if his sister’s recollection of their close relationship is accurate. His sister describes a chaotic family life while growing up with reports and allegations of physical and emotional abuse between their parents. Witnessing such encounters can be psychologically stressful to the point some children and adults can suffer from what is known as P0st Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is unsure as to why some people can experience trauma and are able to move forward both psychologically and emotionally without problems and others are not. Or some will function well for some time and then past issues of trauma resurface possibly due to some precipitating event or for an unknown reason. Christopher seemingly was higher functioning to the point he was able to complete a bachelor’s degree from Emory University. What happened to lead him on his quest to go into the Alaskan wild?

I see someone who was in immense pain emotionally. I think the ideas he took with him on his journey were romantic but I find what drove him to what ultimately ended in his death to be sad. At least, it makes me sad even though I am sure he is happy where he is now. My life profession reflects my own need to reach out to others who have no one or feel they have no one. I wonder if this person ever felt someone understood him or if he fathomed the idea someone could.

Read this blog…

Thank you Mrs. Parker

I received the following e mail a few weeks back from my most amazing friend and neighbor Mrs. Heather Parker.....

Here is an excerpt from Abraham I thought you might like...This has to do with breaking up a relationship:
"There are many relationships that are not appropriate for you to continue, but we would never walk out of a relationship feeling angry, guilty, or defensive. Do the vibrational work, get to feeling good, and then leave. And then what comes next will not be a replay of what you just left."

"I am not responsible for others creations. You must not accept the responsiblitiy for what others are doing in their own life experience. See them as emerging from the lack and know that it is going to be better for them later. And then you will begin to feel better. You may even inspire them in their sleep state to an improved direction. When you think about them, see them as happy. Do not regurgitate in your mind the sad converstations you have had or the parting. Invision them as getting on with their life just as you are getting on with yours. Trust that they have the guidance within them to find their own way. What trips most of you up so often in your wanting to help others is that you believe they need my help because they cannot help themselves. But that belief is detrimental to them because deep down inside, they know that they can do it. And that they are wanting to do it. Begin to say things to your partner such as, 'You are such a fantastic person, and while we haven't connected on as many levels as I would like, I know that there is a perfect partner waiting for you and I am releasing you to that wonderful opportunity. Look for it . I don't want to keep you caged here, captive to something that neither one of us wants. I want to free us both to that which we both are wanting. I am not telling you goodbye forever, I am saying, let this relationship have a new understanding between us, one that is inspired from passionate, positive desire. Not one that is whipped in to place because we are afraid of the possible consequences.'
And then say to that person- 'When I think of you, I will always know that while you are sad now, you are going to be happy later. I'm going to choose to see you as happy, because that is the way I like you best and that is what you prefer too.'"

This may sound tough or cold, but nothing else makes sense.
I just bought this book but have not started reading it yet. Mom was reading it and was reading some of it to me. When she came across this part and read it to me, I thought I should share it with you.

Money, and the Law of Attraction: Learning to Attract Wealth, Health, and Happiness

Are we there yet?

The summer has ended and for me; it is filled with both bittersweet emotions and memories. I will not say I regret one experience that has occurred although I will admit it has been a long strange trip filled with the excitement and fear often provoked by riding on a rollercoaster. I am curious as to what lies ahead for the fall and how it will impact me. There is ultimately a part of me that would rather stay in this last bit of summer despite the mediocre excitement of this time. I can only imagine the events transpiring over the next few months. I can keep myself up all night with my covers pulled to my chin in fear of what could be. I certainly hope there will be some days of pure enjoyment and hopeful spiritual growth but for now, my mind is focused on the horrors of the unknown. I fear the questioning of “me” that is to come. I know it is there and I know it is necessary but part of me would rather find myself stuck in the humdrum of the past where at least I know what to expect

Today

My feet feel so heavy, as if something is in my shoe. Maybe someone put something in the sole of them I am unable to see. My legs are moving but I am not quite sure how they know where to go as I feel so preoccupied with my thoughts. My eyes are heavy, but they won’t close even though I think if I close them, everything will settle and maybe disappear. I can’t help but wonder how I got here. I am not sure of the actual events leading to today but I can recall, with effort, the reasoning behind why I am at this place in my life. It is as if I have lost so much, but nothing literally is gone. If I try to think of what I should do next, as in the next week or month, my mind begins to shut down on me. I can only think of the next second, minute, and hour. I feel incredibly quiet. My mind is very quiet and constantly searching for the next distraction to take me mentally somewhere else. Somewhere I can laugh and love and move forward and just....go.

How did I get here? Where do I go next?
I can not think of those things right now as I must move forward in this body that does not feel like it belongs to me.

A Dream Deferred
by Langston Hughes
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore-- And then run? Does it stink like rotten meat? Or crust and sugar over-- like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?

This poem goes through my mind as I try to maneuver through this strange experience. I hold on tightly to those around me who bring me comfort. Those old familiar faces and those gentle spirits who come and go with their romantic notions of hope and love. If not for these people and my deep faith in the greater all-knowing spirits of the universe I would undoubtedly sink. To find a small, separate peace is the way I will go. Today is not forever, but today I will continue to mind my tender heart, and look at the beautiful blue sky and possibilities of my future existence.

It’s a curious thing, life. How do we get where we are and at what point do we stop and suddenly realize how far we have come? I have always loved movies and books. So exciting to pick up a novel or sit in a theater and just enjoy the dreams and visions of others. We find ourselves aspiring to the dreams of others and yet we never really sit down and think about where our life goals have originated. It’s almost as if nothing we want for ourselves is original, more or less the aftermath of living someone else’s dreams. How do we decide which dream to emulate and take on as our own? I stop and look at my own dreams and wonder if this is truly what I envisioned for myself all along or is this dream one I have incorporated as my own from a favorite book or movie. What does this matter? I suppose it doesn’t until the day comes when you start to question your own life goals and wonder if they are what you want. Life at times is filled with the same anxiety you might feel taking the ramp onto a busy expressway. Some times it is cake, easy, comfortable. You join the rest of the anxious drivers, filing onto the road and taking it to your destination. Other times, it is overwhelming, crowded, and the other drivers are so entranced in their own goal they never slow down to let you get on too. I don’t get it most of the time. In fact I find myself opting to sit outside of my car and watch others pass me by. That in itself is surely not an original dream, rather another perspective on life I have probably seen or heard somewhere. When it comes down to it, it still feels okay. I have come to love living out the dreams of others. I can not help but find excitement and satisfaction is seeing the world through the eyes of those around me.

So to all of you dreamers and visionaries, I thank you for inspiring me to be the person I am. I am so grateful to be allowed to glom onto your prodigious aspirations.